57.

I get on by as best I can
I surely have one great fan
An intellectual being who knows my worth
That deserves a place outside this planet Earth.

What that worth is
I'll never know.
I'm full of myself at the moment
But watch me as sometime or another I will glow.

I dreamt in waves of death
and ecstasy
As much as I dream
It should never be.

I believed in you and me
But it seems not to be.

I don't know if you believe
In the love I have for you
But the memory remains
Of our walk of fame.

Going along that wall in June
I was alone, I shouldn't have been
If someone believe me, it was you
Only we have seen what we have seen.

I dreamt in waves of death
and ecstacy
As much as I dream
It should never be.

I believed in you and me
But it seems not to be.

I write these words in solitude and remorse
I was your one and only damned true curse.
Why I continue evoking these emotions in my mind
I find that fact so hard to find.

I just want inner peace and you by my side
From that fact I'll never be able to hide.
Maybe one day you'll read these words
And realise that you weren't just my sow's ear purse...


I never wanted it to be like this.
The life I had, I now now miss.
Settling and normality became so normal
I just wish that you'd given me a chance
And stopped me from the unrealistic advances...
I want to get involved committedly but I'm now stuck in a bubble...

56.

I'm dying here in my own life
I never thought I'd be feeling this strife.
It's gone four months on by now
I'd like to know when, where, when and how
It got this bad that you'd take on another?
I'm no different from a different brother...

All the fantasies we ever had have now been upheld
Yet I'm still stuck up in the same old cloud
Wishing of better things between us.
Tell me why did it ever get this bad
And why now all the fuss?
If you didn't love me then I can't see the loss.

It goes round and round like a siren in my head
Am I better off alive, or should I be better off dead?
I live my life and I wanna be free
But in my own mind I'm the King and your my Queen.

Let's get together and spend some time
In the company of one another and see if we can find
The truth in feeling and ignore the life that's peeling
From infectious tempestuous days
We can always live and find a reason
To live beyond my foolish ways.

I wished things were better
But I've just done my best to get back to normal
Now for you it's down to the rest.
I've wanted to move on for years
But Oh my, oh God, my tears
Have stopped me for much a time, so as I can make you mine.

And it goes round and round like a siren in my head
Am I better off alive, or should I be better off dead?
I live my life and I wanna be free
But in my own mind I'm the King and your my Queen.

So don't despond to compromise
We all have something new to try.
I've tried my best and I won't deny
That you are the one I want for life...

55.

I bare these thoughts
So that all tarts and whores
Can potentially see the way it should be.

Day dreams aside
Men are filled with pride
Yet we're scared to admit the one thing we want in life.

We want company, compassion
Truthfulness and attraction
If all of those combine
Then we'd be doing just fine.

So what if you don't like my favourite band?
Run with me and come take my hand.
I'll be with you no matter what the Hell you put me through.

But it all feels so put aside when you've been denied
and yet the way you feel is guilt upon yourself.
You just feel that your lacking in wealth.

Oh Men want company, compassion
Truthfulness and attraction
If all of those combine
Then we'd be doing just fine.

No matter what you think
Even when I fall into the drink
I've always been there, no matter how unfair.

I'm just me and your just you
There's nothing more that we can do
Other than respond to the whole situation and try to withhold from the population.

54.

I wonder why the World still turns when all I have
Is charred skin and cigarette burns.
All I know is that oh baby it skirts on pain
Yet the more I'm away from you is the more it hurts.
I wonder why the truth came to die
And yet you decided that my contact with you would be fine?

I dream of all the plans we made
I envisioned a romantic cascade...
Why drift away
When you can fade?

It makes no sense as to the profanity of the way it seems
That all of our worries were wrapped up in cotton wool dreams
Ready to be protected from all the World
And my self-absorbing self.
Just give me half a chance to be the man I wanna be.
Let me be your unfinished sympathy...

I dream of all the plans we made
I envisioned a romantic cascade...
Why drift away
When you can fade?

53.

It's Christmas Eve
And you barely blink.
We've reciprocated for so long
That the time has finally been and gone.
I hold true
My feelings of you.
There's no need for me to lie.
I thought for my life you were my alibi.

But your with him and
There's nothing more to think
I'm all alone whilst your with him.
I'll sit around waiting
Wondering what you may feel
I sit here in wonder... Is this love real?

Everyone says it so
Yet others tell me to leave and go.
Torquay, Prague, Amsterdam, Weymouth Dublin and Edinburgh
Are all places that we've lived and loved.
Yet I still wait
In the shadows unabaited
Feeling so much tempted
I tingle at your love's mercy; seemingly unrestrained.

But your with him and
There's nothing more to think
I'm all alone whilst your with him.
I'll sit around waiting
Wondering what you may feel
I sit here in wonder... Is this love real?

Is this over
After 9 long years?
I hope to think not
Despite all the tears.
You still converse with me,
Behind the back of he
Yet at the same time you seem to show affection
That's seemingly aimed in my direction...

52.

(Him)
So it's over and your done with me.
All I ever asked for was
coffee and sympathy.
A shoulder on which to cry
And empathy.

You responded adequately
Yet at the same time
Questioned your own philosophy.
And gave me false Hope
But at least you agreed.

And now the time has passed
we had our fun.
You want friendship
I'd rather have a gun.

(Her)
I called you to ensure your not so rash
I apologize right now
For the way I reacted in the past
But I just felt alone
The last four years were too much to hack.

I never meant to offend the memory of Anne
Though you must understand
This was never my ultimate aim or plan.
You've suffered for too long.
Now I'm turning you down for my man.

And I never wanted to hurt you
Oh no please understand
That your problems alone
Were not the end of our romance.

(Him)
So your telling me now that all Hope has passed.
On the general Eve of Christmas
I wish I had your grace, style and class.
I know it's been months
But I thought that we could last.

yet what I truly don't comprehend
And please try and explain
Is you still want me as a friend.
I'm worried his visa will expire
And we'll be back to square one somehow again.

I can't have you hurt me
After all's been said.
This should really be
The last communication; in my head.

(Her)
I'm sorry right now how many times must I say
That we only felt like friends
We simply drifted away.
I Hope that you feel better
And understand some day.

But If it's reassuring at all I'll be thinking of you
I Hope your Christmas is pleasant
now what more can I do?
I understand your hurt so please do talk
Even this for me is not a proverbial walk.

I'm sorry my former love
But I made my choice.
I'm glad for this conversation.
Now please go find your voice...

(Him)
Baring in mind the tears that I've cried
in both worry and contempt
I contact you now with my blessing and a vow
That we shall try us as friends.
I'd just like to ask though with all said and passed
What he will make of it all?
Will he match logic with reason or perceive it as treason
That your willing to talk to this Faul?
I fail to see to many degrees how you believe this could be.
But if we can But try for both our peace of mind
Then I believe we will But see
I did it with my former But time had been and gone
things are viable But as all above don't you dare prove me wrong...

51.

I'll rack myself out to the bone
Yet you'll still be asleep when I get home
Please don't cut me to be the bone
You'll know I'll be asleep when you get home too...

We would live our lives sure damned dependently
But I've ran out of patience...
This week is all I can stand...
It's the end of into ten years and we're co dependant..

But there's no way way in Hell I'd take you back.
I'm sick of cutting into your slack.
I'm heading straight for that there heart attack...
I may as well sign your name across my back...

50.

Why don't you look deep down inside
And take comfort in pride
In what you thought that you'd done
You'd found your own home
Yet you let in him in to your domicile
And ruined your independent fun.

You spoke of stuff
But it all feels a bluff
In what I thought you have been:
Alone and safe,
Now your only to blame
For it to be ripped apart at the seams.

I dream of you still
And it still makes me ill
What was once once and still could have occurred
Now you tell me this
And I'm likely to miss
The things between us that should have unfurled.

I just want you to know
That I'm still alone
Yet I can't get you out of my head
You tell me that it's Karma
Yet I shouldn't bother
But you have until Friday, lest my Christmas be dead.

49.

The Witches all fly by shooting beams from their thighs
Whilst the omnibus sleeps without any lights
So shout as loud as the mutherfucker allows
And leave the body alone in the pen of sows.
You scream all night but your life is out of sight
And the day starts again with the morning light.
Repeat the day again, and everything is still the same
Your beginning to wonder if everything's still game.

Drink yourself away in water and blaze
But don't forget the preacher and the warnings he makes
Jesus will take you away if you surrender and obey
Yet some will be just mortals, and others shall be slaves.
You fuck your life away with no protection and cocaine
But you remember your immortal and it's your life to obey.
The snake in your hands will never let you understand
That your inclusive yet comatose in a rock and roll band.

What's the point in knowing?
Without ever showing
The point of illusion between me and you.
And yet the World goes on
In the eyes of your Son
You've used me and abused me, now what's the use?

I've thought and shot and stealed
The Lord I thought had healed
All my sins of satisfaction
But where the fuck's the compassion?
It's a theoretical question
But our lives are all lessons
On which we must learn
And sort the wheat from the dirge.

And yet I feel all this shit should still happen
From the lights there are no stoppin'
As we plough by, swiftly as in the blink of an eye
Oh tell me now who are we to ask just why?
We all stand aghast; looking at the ghosts of our past
So tell me now baby, how long can this now last?
It goes on until Friday, As from then on it's holiday
And until then you'll make the better option; of that I'll pray...

What's the point in knowing?
Without ever showing
The point of illusion between me and you.
And yet the World goes on
In the eyes of your Son
You've used me and abused me, now what's the use?

48.

Be with me and I'll be with you
In some way shape or form, we're held by strange glue.
People tell me to stay away
But there's something there and what it is; I just can't say...

We love and hate in equal measures
But we're both absorbed in our own innatimate guilty pleasures
What they are must never be known
Other than only between us like a dog with a marrow - fat bone.



We dreamed of what may have been
And we lived and saw things that should have been on the silver screen.
So why do I feel so down
Now that the situation is known, and we're both left alone with frowns?

I recall my way with words now
I tried my best, although I didn't ever know how
To explain how I felt
Yet all we're left with is potential emptiness and doubt



And now the days are forgotten
The months have surpassed they're sell-by date and damned near rotten.
Explain to me some things and be logical
I know my answers are no longer at the bottom of the bottle.

They are electronically formed
A type of communication despite usage, I rarely adore.
It's time to explain all to me
And understand our dreams... After all, the future relies on us breathing...

47.

And on the eighth day confusion reigned
The garden was awash with opiates.
The party was in full sway.
And the being looked down and said
Not this, not now, not today...

The pauper and queen were just seventeen
When the robbery occurred in the dream.
The poacher ran amok with a dentists sock
Trying to steal the most exquisite of frocks...

The frock was for a locksmith
Who had just lost their teeth.
All they ever wanted
Was to just be pretty in green.

The green came away when soaked through with pain
Of two lovers briefly touching each others lips again and again.
The lips inflated and pupils dilated
And they flew away as they both procreated.

But I've seen through the eyes of the man in the sky.
He offered me something that blew my mind.
The answers to all the problems of mankind.
I'll never know why.
He just said it was my time
To prove to the world I shine.

I saw one day the words that you say
They were travelling alone whilst talking on a phone.
It discussed the nurse in the hearse
And I'll losing it's purse.

But the purse was not found, save for a beagle hound
Who had whilst duty bound discovered a solitary pound
Whilst doing it's paper round
And being wired for sound.

But the sound was too much for the creature in a hutch
He broke out due to being so butch,
Hitting the security guard with his own crutch.
I watched it all and the observation was too much.

But then I awoke, felt the light and saw the pipe.
The bottle too was dry.

46.

I've been making waves with my bullshit detector
Where do you get off you midnight defector?
We drank and danced all night but you got waylaid
How much for a night would you like to have been paid?

I've been seeing
Things like beings
Out the corner of my eye
When I look at air
They're not there
And I wonder why.

We'd been making strides with regards to compromise
Months turned into weeks, and weeks became days
So hoooooow long, must I keep playing this song?
The time has come and gone, so whybother being bogged down?

I don't know why
I still look to the sky
To see that shooting star
And yet I've seen
Snippets of what could'a been...
This could turn nuclear...

45.

Well if silence is golden then why are you holdin'
My heart in your blood stained hands?
And why must you admit the times that you sit
Deliberating our ill gained plans?
And why for now why, can I not get so high
That my life just eases away?
Yet where you stand alone, you say goodbye
While I just moan, stay where I am and sway.

So forgive a man that got lost in the sands
Of dusty and bottled old rum.
From coughs and colds to swollen glands
I only wish that I had the company of a gun.
But don't ever let it be said now that romance is dead
For the love I had was askew.
For too long a time, I had just lost my mind
Now I'm simply just used.

So let's sleep and dream for one more day it seems
I'll just waste away
My soul and my pride got lost in the divide
Between my heart and your own legs.
And it's time to say goodbye, for the hope and the whole night
Has become forgotten so easily
I wish I could say that this all would fade away
But it's now been there for all to see...

44.

If your a fan of classic cinema,
Give this a look.
It's all based on a book
By the works of Asgardhr
No one ever pulls any one near
But it's all packed full of fear.

It's called Gylfaginning
And it'll keep your head...
Relatively grinning...
Just remember the following...
Hands by your side
Touch no other divide,
Keep your pride
And be who you want... tonight...

43.

It's time to move on
I've been and now I've gone.
Been singin' the same old song
For near too damned long.
The glasses are empty
And have been filled
I've taken my fill
Of the bitterest pill.

I'll see you all at the end of days
Which by all accounts of late
Isn't very far away.
I stand before you a humbled soul,
All I ever wanted was rock and roll.
I only received a sticking pole.

I'm all done in
Fucked myself up in so much sin
Wish I could just end this din,
But where'd your entertainment been?
I'm your court Jester,
And on the phone a sexual pest.
I'm the loner in the park just wearing a vest
And I'd like to take the chance to laugh at the "normal" rest...

See you all soon
I'm the buffoon.
Even I worry too.
But I'm just me.
I'll be each day who I'll be.
Just keep me company.

For I'ma  man of many faces
Day by day my personality changes
It would be nice to be just straight laced.
But where's the fun in that
When I can be the proverbial twat
And dictate my feelings in this way, let alone that?

;)

42.

If you believe in love
Get ready for a struggle
We all get caught
In our own little bubble

If you believe in infatuation
Prepare to be a slave
For a day and an age
Riddled with frustration

I'd like to say I believe in all
But if I start that, then I'm heading for a fall.
I know longer know my wrongs from right
I know now after 4 years I'm giving up on this fight.
The tides are slowly turning
And the rivers they are a-burning.
The Styx is calling me closer...
I beg to just be Kosher...

If you believe in mind games
Then I believe in you
But if you believe in fame
Then there's nothing you can do.

If you should believe in Karma
Then it would do no harm.
It helps now and again
But remember this: It's not your only friend...

I'd like to say I believe in all
But if I start that, then I'm heading for a fall.
I know longer know my wrongs from right
I know now after 4 years I'm giving up on this fight.
The tides are slowly turning
And the rivers they are a-burning.
The Styx is calling me closer...
I beg to just be Kosher...

If you believe in fate
Then only you can be the subject of hate.
I believe in things,
But they are my soulful doings...

And if you believe in me,
Then there's hope left yet.
I'm weary of seeing tired eyes.
Crimson in colour and tears so wet.

41.5 (Work in Progress)

11th December...

It was cold in the room. Ben opened his eyes and could feel his feet aching; almost throbbing from the bitterness in the room. He - Unsure of if the bitterness was from him or the weather - immediately reached for a means with which to compose an email:

“Maybe that last one was a little harsh. It was getting late. Barely slept through the night. Too much on my mind now got an interview to get to and a stand up job. Great.
You have no idea what I'm going through. I wish you did.
I guess I can't even explain though I wish I could. I just wanted to be with you and be happy. Was that really too much to ask? Even other people are starting to realise I loved you.
It's getting stupid.
You'll never change your mind.
I don't know why I'm even trying. X”


Opening his eyes fully, he realised how poorly he had slept the night before. It was gone 2am by the time he had gone to sleep - It could even have been 3am... The night wore heavy on him, with the thoughts he had alone with him through the hours in bed.

Managing to drag himself out of the covers with all the vim and vigour of a sloth trying to run in front of a bus; Dragging his heels behind him, he looked out of the Window. 

“Oh For Fuck’s sake...”

It had frosted over outside, and he was due at an interview within 90 minutes. His shoes barely had the grip of a cat on a hot tin roof, and his centre of gravity was well befitting of a male over 6 feet in height (Or to say it better: He was terrible on ice).

After doing his usual business and washing his hair, he crept downstairs to put the kettle on for a cup of honied tea, and to roll his cigarettes for the day to come. Not only had he an interview, but he was back in work for the first time in weeks after illness. Today was going to be an absolute clusterfuck of a day...

Time came and went and it soon became half past 8. The interview was due in 60 minutes. Ben still wasn’t ready. He was still trying to steady himself from the emotions and (marginally) self-imposed sleep depravity from the night before.
Either way, he was never going to make the interview in time, as he was still to procure a bus pass, and yet make his way to the bus stop to get to the blasted event in his life. In one brief second, he did wonder why he was even doing it. The person he was originally doing it for had deserted him, and fractionally he considered phoning in sick again...
Fortunately, Stephen came in and offered a lift to do all the gophering for him, (so that was a little reassuring for our protagonist...). Stephen de-iced the car, and took Ben to the paper shop and the bus stop, as promised; leaving him around ¼ of an hour worse off than when he last anticipated going out, and then around ½ an hour worse than he originally intended.

It came to half past nine; The time of the interview... Ben found himself now around 400 yards (according to his phone) from his “destination”, yet with somewhat perilous slopes in front of him. He thought of himself as some brave alpaca goat (Or some other such creature, that actually exists). In truth, he was in Suburban England, and it should have been a breeze.

“...Should have been...”

His feet couldn’t figure out their left from right, let alone in which position they should be facing (“Toe-first” is usually considered the best option) on the sheets of frosted tarmac below him. He was a mess and he knew it. Regardless, he continued following the GPS on his phone, and eventually - some 20 minutes late - made it to his “destination”.

He knew this because his phone told him “You have arrived at your destination”; then gave him a picture of some houses. Which looked similar to the ones he was standing by.

Ben thought to himself for a moment...

“OK... Now where do I go?”

He knew exactly what he was looking for; it certainly wasn’t a house that he was after. He was after something... A little more... A little bigger. Possibly like a Polish Food supermarket (Not quite a pop-up Co-Op, but still not an ASDA).
After a while of walking down this road - which was his destination, although he didn’t know this yet - he found the building he was after and finally got inside, some 23 minutes late... He wondered if they’d be annoyed with him.

It turned out they were fine... Generally. They had a small chat about being under-staffed and his late-showing not improving matters; But this quickly laughed off by all involved.
Generally speaking, everything went rather splendidly with a few jokes, nods of appreciative heads and calls of “Good answer” from one of the two interviewers... Ben however would not hold his hopes up, for it was for a small wage (albeit it with a potential NVQ attached), and he felt that - although he wasn’t - they may have that he was trying too hard with his answers... 

Either that or he’d have just made himself look a complete prat with the relative ease that he seemed to career through the inquisition...

41.

So take all of this away, I implore you
And realise the mixed emotions before myself
I never wanted things to be this way
But you forced my hand, and seemingly I must obey.
Did you even tell your parents of the way you were?
A seemingly promiscuous, mis-bred whore?
You say it all happened after we had ended...
How that that be so when you never explained the current trending?

I told you I missed you and you said it helped.
Imagine yourself being left on the shelf...
I told you in the past the way I genuinely felt.
Now you seem to take that for granted and just screw me about.
What did you expect me to do?
Just lay about expecting to be proverbial excrement on a shoe?
I'm not a piece of shit; you should know better.
You should have understood my mental health mattered...

Now of course it's all too far gone
Our supposed star has burnt out, less shone...
I really cared and thought much of you
But you just couldn't bare to tell me the truth.
Well I hope with these words you see the reasons spent
On my loving and self-dependence as our romance came and went...
It's all over now and hard feelings aside.
Let it be known, you've hurt both me and my pride.

40.

So now I begin again
Like I've got the bends.
Battered and confused...
What's the use?
I'm getting too old for this
And you've just taken the piss.

How can I be me when I never even knew you?
Why should I be sincere when you never even could be so too?
I would love to just talk to you
But there's no trust nor use left in our so-called youth...

I start to move on
And keep on writing "shit" songs.
This is in fact poetry
And I couldn't care what you think
These are my feelings...
Not a romanticists' forlorn feelings...

You said I had a way with words,
And now to take offence to my verbs...
The jokes on you right now
As I can express easily (and how)
How much of a bitch you were...
I'm still in here... writing about you without a care.

39.

I don't know what to say
All we had you have taken away
I can't remain in calm
This fevers been there for far too long now
Everything I wanted to be said
Has just been in my head
And now it resides like a bad dream
I just wanna scream

I hate you and your expulsion of compassion
I love you and your dictation of action
I hate you for you moments of stupidity
I love you for just loving me.

Why could I just be normal and get along?
You seem to think that I'd be OK after mom had gone.
Well here's the well hidden and sour truth
I did love you, now what's the fucking use?
I resided in my own mind
And you had no choice
To just sit there and let it all go
In a rupture so profound, yet still too slow.

I hate you for the way it ended.
I loved you for the way you mended me.
I hate you for your insincerity
I loved you for just letting me be me.

But now we all know that it was all just falsifications...
A natural end to our relationships obliteration.
You wanted compassion, reaction and commitment
All you ever received in your eyes was a social delinquent.
I tried my best and forced myself
You never realised how bad it was for my health.
I did all I could and yet you say how long had it to go on for?
That kind of reaction I stress; I do now abhor.

I hate you for the lack of noise, yet confusion.
I love you for letting me run amok in my own pollution.
I hate you for simply letting me be me.
I loved you for talking to me.

I loved you for letting me be me
I hated you for your triviality
I loved you for just letting me breathe...
Now I hate you for lack of compassion and your self-complexity...